A WAHumorous World

An unthinkable tragedy struck our household the other day.

The coffeemaker died.

It seemed so functional, so cooperative. Each morning I would click its little red button after setting it up the night before and minutes later, there was coffee, glorious coffee.

This day I approached it in my usual bleary-eyed state early in the a.m. and gently clicked the red button. I then resumed work, anticipating the arrival of the aromatic energizer.

When I returned twenty minutes later, the red light was still aglow, but not a drop of coffee in the pot. The panic that ensued within me is most often only seen in movies when the greedy bad guy discovers his loot is gone. Maybe worse.

Clicking and reclicking the button didn't help, nor my tearful pleas. The end had come to a faithful friend.

There was a brief ceremony at the local trash facility (I don't think you can say "dump" anymore) where curious onlookers, upon viewing the deceased, bowed their heads and shared our sorrow.

Goodbye, old friend. Off to Walmart!

Well, my wife's award banquet has come and gone. We ate the Funky Chicken and applauded in all the appropriate places. We were properly pleased for the other 350-odd recepients of various certificates and stuuf in attendance.

My wife doesn't really do awards. She'd rather do her job and do all she can for her clients. She's gotten them before - me too, actually - and they were no big deal to either of us. What's appreciated is that someone noticed someone doing something well and really working at it.

The $1 certificate and the $10 plaque are nothing, but knowing someone noticed IS something.

That's why I give an award to those who have reached the point of working full-time in their home businesses. It might seem hokey, but the smile alone is worth it.

You have to get your own cold chicken dinner, though.

...my wife!

Tomorrow's the day of the award luncheon. The cheap Massachusetts government won't spring for a banquet, which is okay because the food's just as bad.

After many years of service in her field, putting the needs of her clients and not politics first, her reward and recognition will be a plaque. Wow.

It'll be good to see her get something for all her hard work and dedication.

And she sometimes wonders still why I work at home. I make my own rewards - the spendable kind!

According to a readership survey by Home Business magazine, we're just about everybody.

Young, old, single, married, rich, non-rich, and of different educational and experiential backgrounds.

Here's the basic breakdown:

Our average annual household income is $52,300.
Our median age is 40 years old.
More than half of us are married (53.8 percent). Next comes the never married a.k.a. single (22.5 percent) and the formerly married (20.8 percent).
Most of us have had a little college (83.3 percent), whil;e 30.4 percent graduated from a four-year college or more.
42.3 percent of us have kids under the age of 18 living with us.

Hurray, there's hope for us all!!

Well then, I have just the contest for you.

It's called, appropriately enough, "The Home Office From Hell" contest.

Just post 10 reasons why you NEED to move out of your home office from hell. Heck, you can upload a video of your hell-like office.

You could win a whole year's rent in a real live office or a Dell laptop, You may even win a face-to-face meeting with...The Donald.
If that's what you'd like.

Enter The Home Office From Hell contest!

Home party businesses are all the rage, but hazardous nonetheless. This story comes from a pro partyer who'd rather not identify herself!


"I was at a home party and I went through the party okay and then it came time for refreshments & collecting the orders (yay!) anyway, I went over and got some snacks & some red punch the lady had painfully made herself out of ice cream & the whole nine yards.

I was walking back to the table to sit down, and guess what? I tripped and the RED punch (naturally) flew into two ladies who were (naturally) wearing a white dress and a white blouse! I could have died! My face turned as red as their clothes. I paid to have them dry cleaned, and all I could say is I was glad we were in the kitchen and not in the living room because the carpet there was white too!"

Sound familiar??


Everyday.

You're hunched at the computer, flicking the keys with the greatest of ease - or, like me, poking each stroke with the speed of a...umm...well, it DID rhyme!

Everyday.

You're mesmerized for hours by the wonders of Internet business - you market, you negotiate, you design, you submit, you research, you chat...a lot...

Everyday.

Enthralled and empowered by your cyber-independence, you plan and scheme, plot and dream.

While life in the REAL world goes on around you...

"Hey Mom, can I have lunch now?? It's three o'clock!!"

"Huh? Whaa...yeah, five minutes, honey...lessee, click here..."

Funny how the daily grind hasn't ground to a halt...

"Dad?? Couldya sign this? It just says that you know about my tryin' to burn down
City Hall and ya assume full financial responsibility...No big deal, couple alarms..."

"Darn HTML code...Hmm? Yeah...five minutes, umm...son??"

Things just keep rolling on...

"Ya GOTTA see this cool fort me and Billy Scuzbucket built, Grandma!!! And we got grenades, napalm, coupla ICBMs...WAAAY cool!!!"

"Whazzat? D'ja want something, sweetie? I'll be right there...just five minutes..."

Life is like that...

"Are you Dilbert Greenbaumgarten? Sir, are you aware that your children are conducting a warehouse sale of stolen merchandise in your garage? You'll have
to come with us, sir."

"Yeah, yeah...garage sale, ahh...be with ya in five minutes...just leave the money
in the coffee can on the folding table, K??"

Everyday.

Just five minutes...

Whoa...super-important e-mail...ahh, look, be with ya in five minutes...seen the kids??

Honey?

Hello?? Coulda sworn we had furniture before...

My kids can actually walk around the house while intently playing their Game Boys.

Maybe they have "Game Boy sonar" from all those bleeps and pings.

It's amazing to me to see them so wrapped up in personal and portable technology. Much like many adults with their PDAs. My sister-in-law carries her Blackberry everywhere like a newborn. Who would want to be available 24/7? To take an urgent message from someone calling to say "Hi"??

What can't you do with PDAs and cell phones now? They're outfitted with digital cameras, musical ringtones and video. Video?? I'm afraid I may accidentally litter in public and see myself later on the evening news or more likely YouTube.

I get incredulous looks from people when I say I don't have these devices and have no desire for them. It's a little creepy if you ask me. It reminds me of the movie, "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" when they stammer, "Aren't you one of us??"

Besides, I can't decide on a good ringtone.

...doesn't necessarily win.

Consider someone starting a [tag]home business[/tag]. Hopefully they have some plan, but usually not much. They think they need everything and so they go and buy everything. Hundreds or thousands of bucks later, they proclaim it all a scam and walk away.

Got a familiar ring to it for most of us...

We stuff our disk space or closet space to the bulging point with stuff that looked good or sounded cool or would do everything for us. But did you need it??

Almost nobody is still left in a home business after the first year because they're overwhelmed junk collectors. They've got what they might need, could need and maybe even should need, but darn little they really need.

I'll discuss the basics of online business another time. Here's the big secret formula for getting what you need to start any kind of home business: Examine, Research and Ask.

You could make an acronym of that, but please don't tell me.

Examine: What will you use regularly? What devices, equipment or software are necessary for day-to-day operations? What must you have to handle your business as it is NOW?? Later is great, but you're not there yet.

Research: I call this the four letter word with four extra letters. It tends to be something only a hard-core geekasaurus could love.

But, ya gotta because ya gotta know all you can or else your money's going in the can. Check out the company - customer service, tech support, spare parts availability - everything they can do for you. It sure beats finding out later after your money is spent that their customer service department is located in a country where no one speaks your language.

Next, the products or services - quality, dependability, functions, options - know everything their stuff can do for you too. If you can't find your answer, ask them directly. That'll also show how receptive they are to their customers.

Satisfied with all your research? Good!

Now Ask: Go to the places where real live users and owners of the stuff you're considering gather. It might be a coffee shop, a business association, online forums or goodness knows where else. Ask open ended questions (no yes or no answers possible) in all the places of all the people you can stand. Listen to them...you might be one of them soon.

Looking good is for fashion models and sounding good is for recording artists. Take the time to ensure that your purchase-to-be is good for you.

eBay, it seems, is fast becoming an electronic fence.

That's fence as in a place for selling stolen goodies, like in the crime shows.

Not too long ago, I saw a report on thye morning news about a woman with a successful eBay business...that she financed with $50,000 that she embezzled from her employer before retiring.

Yesterday I heard another report about a woman caught shoplifting who, it was later discovered, had $11,000 more shoplifted merchandise in her house.

Guess what she was doing with it all!

I'm pretty sure this wasn't what eBay had in mind.

Ever heard of the Pushmepullyou? I think it was a character in Alice in Wonderland. I could be wrong, it happened before - twice.

It was like a llama with a head at each end and each end, of course, wanting to go in its own direction. What a perfect analogy for many working at home!

You're smack dab in the middle of two formerly separate lives: your work life and your home life. Once upon a time, most likely, the twain never met. You went to work someplace else and then returned home. Repeat as directed.

When you were at work, you knew the reports and charts and jelly doughnuts required your full attention. There were no dirty dishes that needed washing, no undone errands, no soccer practice.

When you returned home, there were all those things and more, but no reports or charts, although maybe a jelly doughnut or two. In both places, you knew what you had to do and did it.

Now you're living two lives at once. The laundry hamper calls your name while you're busy with paperwork or marketing. Clean the bathroom and your sales projections and budget planning scream for attention. Throw in a kid and there's another distraction.
Throw in more kids and it's enough to make you cry.

So waddaya gonna do??

Get back as much of that separation you once knew as you can. I schedule everything, which I hate with a passion. It had to be done,though, so I could cut down on the occasional hysterical fit. I stick several breaks into my work routine and shift my focus for a little while to something un-work related. Often I put the home life stuff off until the end of the day for a change, if I'm really on a roll.

Oh yeah, super important point: When your scheduled work time ends, walk away and stay away. Replies don't come any sooner if you check your e-mail every half hour. All your hard work does not fall to pieces after quitting time. I know from personal experience.

Concentrate on living just one life...yours!!

We have no "Off" switch.

Most people turn off their work life when the weekend comes. We know that weekends are bonus working hours to be spent in worthwhile pursuits like a fatter wallet.

Checking stats, reports and sales confirmations are a favorite weekend activity...a much better use of time than, say, visiting Aunt Fannie or worse yet, one of those irritating family outings that cause you great worry and distress while you're away for what really matters.

Don't the kids realize that the new marketing campaign is of more importance than another trip to the amusement park? Good heavens, they just went three years ago!

Mow the lawn? It just grows back and the next tax filing is coming up in two months. Dinner with friends? Only if they have some worthwhile suggestions for reducing expenses, but they always want to talk about trips abroad, their kids' recitals and stuff life that. Your subtle hints to shift the conversation to something worth taking notes never seem to be heard.

Puzzling, isn't it? Don't these people see how much life they're missing out on?!?

Ever bought some program or product impulsively that promised quick and easy profits? Sure, who hasn't?? Man, did I ever!

You wonder as you watch your money and dignity go bye-bye if anybody ever makes a living working from home or if the whole thing is a scam.

The answers are Yes and Most of it.

There's crafters, virtual assistants, network marketers, affiliate marketers, at-home professionals, home-based tradespeople, independent contractors and lots more that do it for years and even decades.

Not that it's much consolation to you, though.

Maybe this will make you feel better if you screwed up this way recently or long ago.
Nearly everybody screws up at the start.

Your I.Q. is not lower than that of a snail, you do not have "Loser" tattooed on your forehead and you're not more worthless than a politician's promise.

A good hard kick in the head sometimes knocks you out and sometimes clears your thinking.

I just read an article on Clicknewz, the blog of Lynn Terry, the honest and helpful Internet marketer about the myth of getting rich quick and the time it really takes to make money online. I'd say it's the same amount of time in any home business.

Do yourself a big, big favor and read it!

So why, after several years, do folks still expect to make it big on the Internet overnight?? Did you finish school overnight? Did you complete your job training overnight? Did you raise your kids overnight to become wildly successful and keep you comfortably snuggled in the lap of luxury for the rest of your days? Yeah, I know...not mine either...

Dream of buying that island, but keep in mind that business means work. You ain't gonna be Bill Gates by next week.

There's loads of wild and weird WAH opportunities from sheepwagon building to multi-level casket sales. But the next time someone tells me I should get a "real job", I'll take this one:

The man who gets paid to watch paint dry

Most of us would admit to finding our working day slightly tedious at times.
But spare a thought for Keith Jackson.

The married father-of-one has perhaps the most boring job in the world - watching paint dry.

For more than 30 years, assessing the drying time of industrial paint has been part of Mr. Jackson's working life.

The highlight of his day is simply touching the paint to assess its tackiness.

Although he admits his job is seen as a bit of a joke and can be slightly tedious at times, the 57-year-old has never tired of the task. "People do laugh and find it amusing when I tell them what I do,” Mr. Jackson said yesterday.

"It could be described as the most boring job in the world, but it is a very important one. We supply paint to a variety of industries and for our customers it is very important that they can cover their products with paint that dries quickly.
For example, we make the paint for the floors and walls of stations for the London Underground. They can't afford to shut to passengers for long periods so the painting can only be done between 3am and 5am. Once the paint is on the floor it has to dry hard and fast enough for people to be able to walk on in time for when the station re-opens in the morning."

Mr. Jackson, from Llandegla, North Wales, whose official title is technical manager, has worked for industrial paint manufacturers AquaTec Coatings for the past four years. However, he has been in the paint industry since he left school as a 16-year-old.

Mr Jackson refused to reveal exactly how much he earned, but said watching paint dry paid "fairly well."

"Watching paint dry sounds quite easy, but it can be stressful at times," he added.

My wife is a state employee. No, no...one of the dedicated, hard working ones. Definitely a rare breed.

She's so good in her field that she was just notified that she was to receive the highest award given to a state employee, presented by the lieutenant governor - Mitt's busy becoming President, I guess - at a fancy luncheon. I know it's fancy because that's the only time the word "luncheon" is ever used. Normally, we simply grab a bite for lunch. Luncheons require preparation and a decent wardrobe.

It all sounds great, huh? Someone working in a job (oops...profession, just in case the wife sees this) actually getting some recognition for their efforts and accomplishments.

As they say on the infomercials, "But wait! That's not all!!"

She gets one free ticket for this shindig. For anyone else who wants to go, she has to shell out $75.00 each for additional tickets.
What the heck?? Isn't she the honoree or guest of honor or whatever???

Throw in a photo opp for a gubernatorial candidate and you end up with a less than inspiring tribute, in my opinion.

Worst yet, this crap is becoming the norm in all kinds of organizations. They're called "intrinsic motivators", another way of saying "Here's a nice little award/plaque/ medal/whatever, but no more money for your efforts." At least working at home in many different capacities will get you money for your efforts.

Then you can go buy all the awards you want.

Here's a home business opportunity for the nomadic type...or those with access to phony IDs and that sort of stuff.

There is a legitimate real live business opportunity selling a spray product that prevents red light cameras from photographing your license plate.

Supposedly you can't tell the stuff is there just by looking at a sprayed plate. It somehow obscures the image so that it's a blurry (and inadmissible) picture.

They are admittedly nice enough to mention to prospective business owners that the product may be illegal in your particular neck of the woods.

I used my best magnifying glass to read the fine print, but I still couldn't see any offer by the company to pay any legal expenses you might incur

How do you write off attorney fees, court costs and bail as business expenses??

Somewhere, sometime, you've seen a little furry critter running like crazy on one of those little exercise wheels.

It seems that here in Masachusetts, most folks are doing exactly the same. There was a news report this morning that said the average wage in Massachusetts had risen only 1.2 percent...since 1989.

It's a sure bet that the cost of living has gone up a lot more than that.

Why, you ask, is this WAHumorous?

Because they choose to run on the wheel!

Because sooooo many cling to their jobs for dear life, always knowing that they could lose them through absolutely no fault of their own. Because they worry feverishly about whether that raise will come or even if their pay may be arbitrarily cut.

By careful and thorough research and self-examination, they have the option to start a part-time home business to begin their quest to get off that @$#@$#% wheel.

Working at home isn't for everybody, but everybody should find out for themselves and at least attempt to take back some control of their lives. Wouldn't that be better than having none at all??

Better to walk your own path than run until you drop on the wheel.

Today is Columbus Day - the day we in the US celebrate the discovery of America by good ol' CC. The parties, the Columbus carols, sharing a cup of Columbus cheer, Columbus presents and all that.

OK, so he didn't really discover America, just the West Indies and yeah, some Viking came first.

The truth of the matter is he discovered something totally new, unlike anything known before. Like your discovery of working at home.

It's not at all like your previous experience, whether you were employed outside the home or not. Some of what you did before is part of what you're doing now, but most of it is not what you expected.

There's a lot of adjustments to be made and unfamiliar things to learn. Even the language can be different.

You have Columbus beat...he just discovered a new land. You discovered a new world and welcome to it!!

There's a referendum ballot coming soon in Massachusetts. One of the three questions is bound to be a juicy can of worms.

We'll be voting on whether licensed home-based child care providers may form a union for collective bargaining purposes. That's right...a union.

Opponents say it would destroy any individual arrangements for children on a case-by-case basis, which is one of the benefits of licensed home-based child care.

I say it looks like the beginning of a beautiful mess.

Before you know it, we'll all be back in a company office again!

Do you work at home?

I don't mean "Do you say you work at home?", I mean do you work at home?

Ever been caught at it?

Yeah, an actual eyewitness account admissable as testimony in court. Fit for a newspaper headline or a shot on the evening news: "Alleged WAHomer Found Working At Home...film at eleven."

Working at home is like being a ghost. No one believes in you until they see real proof and not just an old bedsheet on a broom handle.

Do you have a way to prove that you're really doing something? Stats, article reprints or the ever popular paycheck? Anything you can show, although not necessarily explain? I usually get the zombie look whenever I try to explain what I do.

My explanation is now "I'm a writer." "Oh?" they'll say, "Have you been published?"
Well, duh. I can then honestly say, "I've been published internationally" with that hands-in-the-pockets, slightly disaffected writer attitude.

It tends to keep conversations moving along instead of saying "I work at home and I do this and that and got a web site and stuff and..."

Look out! I'm surrounded by zombies.

If you give some real thought to finding a way to show you're working, people around you - at least the ones that should know - will hop off your back and probably even start pushing.
When you find that way to show it so others know it, you'll know it too and that makes doing it all the easier.

I read an article yesterday announcing the winner of a complete home office makeover.

The startling part was the number of people with dark, cold, cluttered basement "offices" for want of a better word.

I have a horrible feeling about who is the majority of home office (and perhaps even home business) owners and it's not the ones with the gleaming, ultra-organized designer
spaces. It's us poor souls stuck into an unused and wel neglected corner of your humble abode, whether apartment closet or basement nook.

Many are either crammed into a crevice or confined to a cave. Oh boy.

I have to confess, my office is a perfect shambles right now. OK, OK...it's been a near-perfect shambles for a while. My desktop space clutters faster than rabbits multiply, the decor is anything but inspiring and "storage space" is a nice way of saying carbboard boxes and old plastic laundry hampers.

This is good news, though. The clock is ticking to the time when this very room will be renovated with a new floor and a much nicer looking set of walls. Which means, of course, that the whole thing is gonna go and then it'll have to be redone.

I don't have a single intention of sinking every penny I've got in creting a new and improved workspace. My kids whine too much when they don't eat for a few days. Sooooo annoying.

First'll be a desk. A big, roomy desk with drawers and all that kind of stuff. A place to place my computer and all its goodies and all the goodies it may ever have. It's gonna last a while and it'll have to allow for some growth, because that's the direction I prefer. No updates for style, trade-ins for function - I want it to handle whatever I want it to handle. Besides that, I'm cheap.

I'm the kind of cheap that believes in getting good quality stuff upfront that lasts
instead of poorly made junk that needs replacing before it's broken in.

Hmmm...I wonder if there's enough in the change jar for a chair too?

They're everywhere. You can't get away from them.

They've got us all thinking in shorthand.

We IM each other. We join the PTA. We consult CPAs before paying the IRS. Change that to your country's tax types if necessary.

In my real world professional days, I was a member of the ASTD. When I was a professional resume writer, I joined the NRWA and the PARWCC. These days as a home business owner, I'm invited to join the AHBA, I calculate my ROI, manage my PPC campaigns and CPC.

In my offtime, I might watch an NFL game on CBS, NBC, ABC, CW, ESPN or whoever has it. I'm cautioned about foods and medications by the FDA and even the USDA. I'm typing on my PC (which is PC or not PC??)and some like their PDAs.

I think I need some aspirin PDQ, OK?

So...got acronyms?

I sit here nearly every day (even weekends if I can sneak away)with a cup...MUG of coffee always within easy reach. Yep. Java, joe, etc., etc. With all the posts in all the places I've seen lately about it, I have the distinct feeling I'm not alone.

Coffee could qualify as the official beverage of home business, especially online home business. Waddaya think: "Coffee - The Official Beverage of the International Online Home Business Community". Wouldn't Madison Avenue just love that? I can just see me in a photo opp with Juan Valdez.

Oooooh. Y'know, maybe it'd be better to stick to radio ads. A big bed-headed bearded guy in an old Smiley t-shirt with a snoring pet rat on said bed-head wouldn't sell much coffee.

I love my coffee gadgets too, like my personal coffeemaker. Sharing is not an option. Take my car, my house, my kids (nawww, on second thought, I couldn't be so mean as to give you my kids), but back away from the coffeemaker! Nowadays you can get cups and mugs that do it all for you except drink it. Rumor has it that Blackberry may soon be bought by Starbucks so they can install the things into custom designed mugs.

Not only is it good and slightly addictive, every day there's another news report of one more benefit to drinking coffee. Your hair will be shinier, your love life will go through the roof, your dog will stop having those accidents and your cat will refrain from touching your mahoghany bedposts.

Some people who work at home love it so much that they make coffee their business, like my friend Kat Hand. She started Kat's Koffee And More because she wanted the best coffee experience she could find and share it with others. She went so far as making a deal with a small coffee roasting operation that custom roasts her stuff.
I'll stick to drinking it and leave the Little Red Hen bit to her. ;)

Wow, time to fill up again. Where'd I put that IV??

I'm one of the last two people on Earth without a cell phone.

Everybody has to have one to keep in touch and be reachable. For what?

Are they staying accessible to the Lottery Commission call for the big jackpot? Donald Trump for the big job offer? The producers of Survivor for the next slot??

Then there's ringtones. As a home business owner, what's an appropriate ringtone? Classical music? Jazz? Would using the latest Snoop Doggy Dogg ringtone mean lost business? You can really lose a lot of sleep over this.

Isn't e-mail and a telephone (pre-historic cell phone, FYI)with an answering machine enough?? I've been in restrooms where I've heard those things chirping or beeping or boogie-ing down. They're usually answered too. They don't seem like the kind of background noises you could easily ignore, either. Then there's the vibrator-set ones that they don't answer...

Come to think of it, I run into that everywhere. Elevators, sidewalks, Contented smiles.

Whoa...the other person without a cell phone just got one.

How much longer can I last??